It can be hard to know how to support a friend or loved one who is experiencing domestic abuse. You may want to protect them, but confronting the person causing harm or trying to intervene directly can increase risk for both of you.
You may have concerns about someone, or they may confided in you. Listen to them, believe them and offer support.
Leaving an abusive relationship can be a process. Where it is safe to do so, decisions about what happens next should be led by the person experiencing the abuse. Help them understand their options rather than pressuring them to make choices they are not comfortable with.
If you are worried about someone's safety or are unsure what to do, seek advice from the University's Specialist Wellbeing or Safeguarding team, or a specialist domestic abuse service. They can help you understand how to support the person safely while also looking after your own wellbeing.
- Are they in immediate danger or need urgent medical help? If they are in immediate danger or have been seriously injured, call the emergency services on 999 (or 112 from a mobile phone). Report and Support is not an emergency reporting tool.
- Find a safe space. If an incident has happened, and it is safe to do so, try to help them to get to a safe place.
- Call Campus Security if you are on campus - 01227 823333.
- Take it at their own pace: Do not pressure them to report the incident. If they do not want to discuss their options at this time, that is okay.
- Sexual Assault Referral Centre (SARCs) provide specialist support to anyone who has experienced sexual violence. Offering crisis care, emotional and psychological support and medical and forensic examinations. The SARC can be accessed whether or not you choose to report to the police. For more information, see our SARC page.
- Withdrawn - They no longer spend time with friends or they may begin missing university, work or other commitments. When you do see them, they may seem distant or withdrawn.
- Less confident: changes to their self-esteem is noticeable, especially when talking or making decisions for themselves or their relationship.
- Increasingly anxious or distracted: noticeably concerned, on edge or pre-occupied, especially regarding any contact with their partner.
- Changing their appearance: significant change in how they dress, wear their make-up or hair, or how they present themselves overall.
- Developing new coping strategies: that seem out of character, harmful or risky, especially alongside other behavioural changes.
- Not in contact as much: it becomes increasingly difficult to get hold of them, they stop responding to messages, regularly cancel plans or appear to have less freedom to spend time with others.
- Explaining away injuries or bruises: injuries appear with more frequency, explanations doesn't seem to fit or make sense, and they appear uncomfortable when asked about them or how it happened.
- Repeatedly 'checking - in': receiving large amounts of calls or messages from their partner checking when they will be home, where are they, who they are with, or what are they doing.
- Constantly checking their phone: and are nervous or anxious about any messages or calls from their partner
- Providing 'evidence': such as taking photos, send location or provide other forms of 'proof' to show their partner who they are out with, where they are or what they are doing.
- Changing when they are with their partner: When they are with their partner, they may become quieter, more tense, or may start to monitor what they say, or how they behave.
- Listen. Give them a safe, private and non-judgemental space to talk. Let them share as little or as much as they want, at their own pace.
- Tell them you are concerned. You could say, “You have not seemed yourself lately. Is there anything you would like to talk about? Is everything okay at home?”
- Believe them and take their concerns seriously. Do not minimise, compare or dismiss their experience.
- Reassure them that it is not their fault. Nothing justifies abuse.
- Do not judge their choices. Avoid asking why they have not left. Focus on their strengths and help them feel supported.
- Do not pressure them or make decisions on their behalf. Offer options and help them explore safe sources of specialist support.
- Respect their privacy. Discuss their situation only where it is safe and private to do so.
- Remind them that they are not alone. They may have been deliberately isolated. Let them know you are there and that support is available.
- Use non-judgemental, supportive phrases such as: “I’m sorry this happened”; “This should not have happened”; “It is not your fault”; “You did not do anything to deserve this”; and “I believe you. It took a lot of courage to tell me.”
- Share information: It might be helpful to share information about how they can report the incident or get support. More information can be found here.
- Know your limits and the support available. You can be a strong source of support, but you are not responsible for managing someone else’s wellbeing. Familiarise yourself with the Report and Support pages so that you can signpost them to appropriate help.
- Encourage them to access specialist support: Reassure them there is support available. The university has specialist staff who can offer support. The National Domestic Abuse Helpline also gives information about their rights and options.
It might be helpful to:
- Check in with them the following day and over the coming weeks.
- Give them space to talk about what has happened.
- Reassure them it is not their fault.
- Let them know there is support available and that they are not alone.
If you are concerned that they or someone else is at immediate risk of harm, call 999 (or 112 from a mobile phone). If they are on campus, you can also contact Campus Security on 01227 823333.
It can be upsetting to support someone who has experienced domestic abuse. Remember to look after your own wellbeing too.
You can also access the support from the Specialist Wellbeing team and Student Support and Wellbeing.