If someone you know has been affected by sexual misconduct or assault, you may be unsure how to support them or how to feel. That is okay.
Everyone responds differently. They may feel afraid or behave in ways that seem out of character or unusual to you. They may tell you what has happened in different ways, for example by making a joke, asking a question, or bringing it up in conversation.
Listen to them, believe them and offer support. Help them to understand their options, but do not pressure them to make decisions they are not comfortable with or ready to make.
Sexual violence can leave people feeling like they have lost control and power. The most helpful thing you can do is give them control over what happens next. Avoid making decisions on their behalf, or telling them what they should do. Ask what they need, respect their choices, and let them decide if, when and how much they wish to share. Talking about how they feel is just as important as talking about what happened.
- Are they in immediate danger or need urgent medical help? If they are in immediate danger or have been seriously injured, call the emergency services on 999 (or 112 from a mobile phone). Report and Support is not an emergency reporting tool.
- Find a safe space. If an incident has happened, and it is safe to do so, help them get to a place they feel safe.
- Call Campus Security if they are on campus - 01227 823333.
- Sexual Assault Referral Centre (SARCs) provide specialist support to anyone who has experienced sexual violence. Offering crisis care, emotional and psychological support and medical and forensic examinations. They can access a SARC whether or not they choose to report to the police. For more information, see our SARC page.
- University Sexual Assault Responders (SAR). Students are able to request Sexual Assault Responder (SAR) support via Campus Security at any time. The SAR can help someone access a SARC, explain support and reporting options, and connect them with the Specialist Wellbeing Team
- Specialist Wellbeing Team During office hours, the Specialist Wellbeing Team provide practical support and advice to anyone who has experienced an incident and would like support. Support is available at both Medway and Canterbury campuses. Appointments can be booked by emailing KentSSW@kent.ac.uk, or by calling 01227 823158 from Monday to Friday 9.00 am to 5.00 pm
- Do not pressure them to report the incident. If they do not want to discuss their options at this time, that is okay. Allow them to go at their own pace.
- Listening is the most valuable thing you can do. Listen to what they have to say, even if it's difficult for you to hear. Although you might have lots of questions, avoid interrupting.
- Find a private place to talk and reassure them you are glad they are telling you.
- Trust is often difficult for survivors. If someone tells you what has happened to them, be patient and don't push for them to tell you anything. Reassure them, respect their wishes and be patient.
- Respect their privacy. Do not share what they have told you without their permission, unless there is an immediate risk to their safety or someone else's.
- Use open, attentive body language. Where possible, sit facing them at eye level, nod, and use reassuring phrases such as 'I hear what you are saying.'
- Respect their personal space, and do not touch them. Even if you think they want a comforting touch, resist your urge to do so.
- You can offer them something to keep them warm, like a blanket or your jacket (shock can involve feeling cold, shivering and shaking). But respect their wishes if they say no.
- Do not take detailed notes of what the person is telling you as these may be used in an investigation if they ever choose to report the incident.
- Remember your role in this situation. It does not matter if you are someone's best friend, a stranger, or a teacher; you are neither the police nor an investigating officer. That need not be negative, you can still help them, but you should not interrogate or question them for details.
- Take what they are telling you seriously, with empathy and without judgement. They may already be feeling partly responsible for what has happened or that what happened is minor. It is important that they know you do not treat their disclosure with disbelief.
- Use non-judgemental, supportive phrases such as: “I’m sorry this happened”; “This should not have happened”; “It is not your fault”; “You did not do anything to deserve this”; and “I believe you. It took a lot of courage to tell me.”
- Report and Support. Report and Support is the University’s online reporting tool. You can choose to make an anonymous report or request support from an adviser. Requesting support does not automatically start a formal complaint. You can receive confidential support without making a formal report. The option you choose determines what happens next: anonymous reports help the University understand patterns and concerns, while requesting adviser support allows an adviser to contact you to discuss your options. No formal investigation will be triggered without your consent, but you can still access support.
- A full list of the support and reporting options for those affected by sexual misconduct and assault can be found here.
- You may find it useful to think about what is meant by sexual misconduct and assault, by visiting our What is Sexual Misconduct and Assault? where you will find a non-exhaustive list with examples of these behaviours.
- Know your limits and the support available. You can be a strong source of support, but you are not responsible for managing someone else’s wellbeing. Familiarise yourself with the Report and Support pages so that you can signpost them to appropriate help.
They may choose to not report the incident or seek external support, you can help by:
- Check in with them periodically.
- Reassuring them that they have your ongoing support.
- Give them space to talk about what has happened.
- Reassure them it is not their fault.
- Let them know there is support available and that they are not alone.
If you are concerned that they or someone else is at immediate risk of harm, call 999 (or 112 from a mobile phone). If they are on campus, you can also contact Campus Security on 01227 823333.
Remember to look after your own wellbeing too.
Supporting someone can be emotionally demanding. It is okay to seek support for yourself, even if the experience did not happen to you.
All the support available to those directly affected by sexual misconduct is also available to supporters.
- They may not want to report the experience to the police or University. There are a lot of reasons why someone may choose not to report. That is okay.
- They may fear or be confused about their options when it comes to reporting or getting support; this might make these decisions too intimidating to process at this time. By signposting their options for later reference, you are still providing valuable support.
- They might be concerned about who else will be informed of the incident - that is where the FAQs section is helpful.
In sum…
Do
- Do remain calm and listen to them and their needs at this time, and avoid interrupting with questions.
- Do believe them and thank them for telling you this information.
- Do let them know there are specialist staff who can provide further support and guidance if they want it.
- Do remind them that what happened was not their fault.
- Do let them stay in control and respect their decisions.
- Do remember that your own wellbeing is also very important. If you have been impacted by what you have heard or want to talk through what advice you have given, please contact us at KentSSW@kent.ac.uk.
Don't
- Do not call the police without their explicit consent (unless there is an immediate risk to life.)
- Do not offer any food or drink before a conversation with specialist staff has taken place if they are wishing to report to the police. This is because of implications that this may have upon DNA evidence that may become part of a criminal investigation.
- Do not give any advice or support to them that you do not feel confident in providing.
- Do not overreact or ask any ‘why’ questions. It is not your job to investigate or counsel.
- Do not fill in gaps or assume any parts of their report. Only detail provided by them should be recorded.
- Do not ask why they didn’t say or do anything sooner.
- Do not judge anything they did before the sexual violence or abuse.
- Do not ask them why they didn’t try to run away or fight back.
- Do not tell anyone without their permission.
Go to...
I think I have experienced sexual misconduct (students)
What is a Sexual Assault Referral Centre (SARC)?
I think someone I know has experienced sexual misconduct (students)